Driscoll Must Drink....

I don't know why it has take me so long to post this, but about a month ago there was a nasty rumor that Driscoll was giving up alcohol, the nectar of the Gods.

I took it upon myself to convince him otherwise, and obviously it worked. It is a long letter, but I think it's worth it.

Dear Andy,

Think of the human cost of your choice here: If you stop drinking, Old Style consumption in the United States will take a noticeable hit, causing numerous people to lose their jobs....

Also, without your constant loyalty to Old Style some of us may choose to switch brands; hell some of us might even quit beer altogether vowing only to drink only the hard stuff...

By quitting the booze you will likely loose weight, quit smoking, look younger, and just feel better all around - but you know your bowling would suffer. Your team will be counting on you to produce, but you won't be able to do so, which will send your team spiraling into the league cellar...

Meanwhile, those people that lost their jobs at Old Style will be forced into severe poverty. Take Michael Johansson for instance. His father brewed Old Style, his father's father brewed Old Style, his father's father's father brewed Old Style. What is he supposed to do know? He is a failure now; to everyone. Failure makes Michael angry, not just at himself, but at the world....

The Manti have now turned to the hard booze, no more beer for us. The only problem is, we are not used to drinking it so often. Vomiting ensues, drinking tickets, unnecessary vandalism, taking inappropriate sex partners; I expose myself at a family party; Jerry pees in Kim's parents' kitchen sink during family dinner; Bobby tries to shoot a bottle rocket out of his ass, but he is too drunk to know it is facing the wrong way.....

The bowling team continues to fall into a state of disrepair. With the championship out of reach, the bickering starts, and hidden problems begin to rise to the top. After falling into last place, the team has lost their fire, their will to compete at bowling anymore is gone. Your team quits to try to find new places to compete....

Eventually Michael's anger cannot be contained. Work was his life, and now it is over. He is suddenly violent. Luckily he does not have a family to take it out on, but he does have kittens and puppies, and cute little rabbits. He hates those animals now, and he shows them his hatred by throwing them off a cliff one by one. Eventually he runs out, and as he stands there looking deep in to the canyon, he has an idea.....

None of the Manti are safe. Sure we can drink beer every day for months, but hard alcohol is another story. Jerry is so drunk all of the time that he is not exactly choosy about who he brings home each night. After a few months, half of the county is pregnant. Varveris drinks so often that he never has room for food, and he begins to shrink. His weight loss is dramatic for sure, but not attractive. Six months after you quit drinking he weighs 74 pounds, its gross. Klokowski is by far the worst off after the switch to hard booze. He too drinks far to much and begins to manufacture meth in a trailer in the middle of Iowa to support his drinking habit. He doesn't use the stuff but he is drunk and unreliable and makes enemies with the wrong people.

After losing the will to bowl, Fonzi becomes a professional eater specializing in hotdogs. He is actually doing okay for himself. Sure he drinks himself into a stupor every night, but he thinks that is part of his training. Norm moves to Vegas to become a professional poker player, and despite his advanced alcoholism, he is doing okay on the tables. As a matter of fact, he has made it to the final table in the World Series of Poker. A Cinderella story to be sure. And Garrett, becomes a gymnastics coach for the Russian National team. The women's team of course. He fits right in there, after all what Russian coach isn't constantly shitfaced. Perhaps the collapse of the bowling team was best for all involved....

Michael closes the back of the semi trailer and hops into the cab, patting the driver on his Old Style cap. Michael starts up the rig, after all, the driver is tied up in the passenger seat, he can't do it. Imagine the luck; as Michael leaves the cliff's edge earlier in the day, he sees an old style delivery truck on its way back to the brewery and takes the opportunity to steal the truck by knocking the driver unconscious. Michael spent hours filling that trailer with anything he could find: fertilizer, gasoline, propane tanks, you name it. It was finally time he thought, as he drove towards the brewery; HIS brewery. It was his, wasn't it? And they fired him. Now no one would work there, no one would ever enjoy an Old Style ever again. And as he made the final turn towards the enormous tanks the made up up the brewery and sped towards them, he couldn't help himself. He just had to yell, "And that's what I know about Old Style!!!"

In an effort to rekindle the friendship that made everyone so awesome in the first place, a trip to a dodge ball tournament is organized for all of the Manti that are left. Garrett, Norm, and Fonzi are all out living life on their own, being successful, and you are off giving speeches about the dangers of alcohol. The rest of us are there though, we even rent a bus. We need a bus because the tournament is in Colorado. The trip there is a great success, the booze flows like water, and nothing too terrible happens in the bus. A little vomit - actually a lot of vomit, but at least there were no fights. That's when a news break kicks in on the radio while Klokowski is driving. It is about the huge explosion that destroyed the Old Style Brewery leaving not a single drop behind, not to mention the secret recipe. All he can do is stare at the radio in disbelief, which is not a good idea when driving down a mountain road in Colorado. As the bus lurches off of the edge of the mountain a single tear drops from Klokowski's eye. Some will say he was sad because of his impending doom, but he was really sad for the loss of Old Style, and his friend Andy Driscoll. The bus will not be found for a long time, and body identification would take even longer. No one will be sure of the death of the Manti for months.

Fonzi is now the premier hotdog eater in the Midwest. He is so good that a pay per view event is scheduled for a showdown with Kobayashi. He is on his game, thousands of people watch as he goes dog for dog with the master. But as he attempts to swallow his sixty-second hotdog, his stomach explodes, killing him instantly. The horror is played out on HBO for $39.95, but doctors said that the tragedy could have been avoided. Years of drinking Old Style conditioned his stomach into a impenetrable rock, he could eat anything. His switch to Vodka as he became a professional eater was his eventual downfall. The change in the pH levels was too drastic for his finely tuned stomach - they say he could have been the greatest if he stuck with Old Style. Russia is rocked by scandal just before the Olympics when it is found that every single Olympic gymnast has been impregnated. At first no one knows how this could possibly happen, but an inquiry is performed and the story paints a vivid picture. All of the girls would not give a name, but they all described the same person, a boozy Cassanova that smelled like Vodka and had to drink Gatorade when he was dizzy. The authorities immediately know of whom they speak. The American coach brought in not 3 months ago to train for the Olympics was the culprit. Justice is a strange thing in Russia. Sometime you get a trial, sometimes you get shot without question, sometimes you are drown in a vat of Old Style. I think you know what happens to Garrett...

Norm - the last of the Manti - has made it to the final table in the World Series of Poker. He has been drinking Jaeger and Red Bull talls for days, but he has made it. He makes it to the final two. It is a year of destiny for him, his Cardinals won this year and he is about to win the World Series of poker. He calmly orders another drink. He is calm because he knows he has won. He has a the Jack and King of Hearts. The Flop gives him an eight, nine, and ten of hearts. A flush - he milks the guy for all he's worth. The fourth card is a four of diamonds, he slow plays it again, sipping on his deer blood cocktail. The final card come out, an eight of clubs. It is his bet, and he bets it all. No way the other guy can win this hand, it is his day. Any other day he might be more cautious, but not today, he knows he has won. The guy calls his bet. Norm can't believe his luck, he smiles, flips his cards and raises his arms in triumph. His opponent will still be alive if he calls and loses but that will be mop up work for Norm at that point. The other guy smirks and flips his cards. Eight, Four, off-suit. As you watch the instant replay you can actually see the point when norm loses it, his eye twitches just a bit, but you can see it. Then you see him dive on the table scooping up as much money as he can, screaming about how it is his day and who the hell stays in on an eight, four off-suit. He is crazed, throwing people off of him as he scrambles towards the exit with the money he has stolen. He even makes it out the front door, but that is wear it ends. Three security cards are waiting for him outside where he is gunned down. Ironically enough, they all have Cubs hats on.

So you see Andy, every decision you make can have some very serious consequences. If you were to quit drinking, the Old Style brewery will explode killing countless people, all of your friends will die, and you will suck at bowling, and those are only the most likely consequences. I am sure that much worse things could happen, they are just not as obvious as the ones above. Please rethink your decision Andy. Join us at Frankly's. I am to good looking and much to young to die...

Your Friend,

Davey Boy JustWastedThreeHours